"ShyGal" Looking for Mr. Right

Thusly quoth Randy Bewer:

I have a good friend who's confused. Confused by why she hasn't been able to keep a steady guy in her life. I've known her for over a year & a half, and I'd have to say I'm confused too. Let me start out by saying I'll probably weave a biased explanation of this, due to my affection for her. Just a brief bio on her: she's 27, 5'4", long brown hair, average weight, and a lovely face and smile. To me though, it's her individuality, that sets her apart from the rest.

Well, I'm sorry your friend is having so much trouble, but I must say she's in good company. Most of my friends are confused, too. And they're all either single and looking and generally feeling unlucky or engaged to be married. Being confused is a good thing, though. Generally, people who aren't confused simply haven't realized that they don't have any idea what's going on.

Her best description of this situation has been "I'm tired of guys just hanging out for a while, and then leaving. All I want to do is date someone on a long term basis". Possibly the biggest problem to her, is that guys like her/date her for a while, and then end up leaving, and either going back to former girlfriends, or saying they're just not ready for something steady right now. At times she's said that she may have come across as too much of a friend type, and not a romantic type.

Or maybe the guys she has been dating just weren't interested in long term relationships. Maybe they were looking for a steady sex partner, and they weren't willing to make an emotional investment.

There was one guy who invited her over a couple times to watch TV, then felt it was time to invite her to stay the night. She'd replied "I've been over to your place 2 times, and now you want me to sleep in your bed? I have higher morals then that". His reply "we don't have to do anything". I'd thought that maybe this 21 yr. old guy was earnestly interested in her for more then the obvious, but now I doubt it.

Having slept alone for all but one night of the past four years, I have no difficulty believing that he may have meant exactly what he said. Human beings have a psychological need for intimacy and physical contact. The best night's sleep I ever had was a night, a bit over a year ago, when I shared a bed with a close friend. We agreed beforehand that nothing sexual was going to happen, and nothing sexual did happen. But just relaxing together and cuddling and sleeping the whole night in each others arms was better than sex.

I agree that it's more likely that he had the obvious ulterior motive for wanting to get her into bed, but I wouldn't dismiss the possibility that he just needed the intimate contact and would have happily just shared a bed with her.

She's recently said "maybe I'm being too picky". I've told her that I'd hate to see her compromise her idea of "Mr. Right", and that she should be patient in her search. She considers herself a "low maintenance" date, and can't figure out why someone would leave her due to her being hard to please. I don't want to begin to color my advice to her, by figuring in my own personal thoughts of her. I'm basically taking what it is she has to say, and trying to figure out with her, what's up.

Again, I think the problem is that what she is looking for is different from what her dates have been looking for. By "low maintenance", does she mean that she doesn't want expensive dinners and gifts? The boys she is dating probably also want the emotional equivalent of "low maintenance." My guess is that they want sex with minimal emotional investment and commitment. It is unfortunate that so many males suffer from the delusion that promiscuous sex is better than a long term romantic relationship.

I would definitely suggest that she keep looking for Mr. Right. She's only being too picky if she's looking for someone she can't realistically hope to find. Is she looking for a cross between Harrison Ford, Sean Connery, Mel Gibson and Pierce Brosnen? That would probably be a bit too picky.

Her shyness and lack of being able to initiate a relationship could of course be slowing her down. But to me, that's what makes her so extraordinary. She's aware of my fondness for her, and I think appreciates my advice. But, like I've said to her, "my advice is worth 2 cents, and is just one piece to the puzzle, so take it for what it's worth".

Yes, shyness is probably part of the problem. Her being shy reduces the frequency with which she is asked out. It also partially determines the kinds of guys she will be dating. She certainly won't be dating any shy guys, for example. There's no guarantee that being less shy will help her find Mr. Right, but it's a good thing to try.

Some possible questions:

How does someone know if they're reaching too high for that special someone?

If you find yourself breaking off otherwise good relationships because of some preconceived notion of a perfect person, you're probably being unrealistic. If the difference between your ideal SO and the person in question is something that bothers you, you're probably right.

You don't want to change your SO to match your ideal. If that's what it would take for you to be happy, you'd be better off looking elsewhere. If you can learn to love your SO such that your ideal changes to become the real person, that's the one you want to keep.

How can she gradually overcome her shyness, when it comes to initiating a relationship?

She has to want to become less shy. If that's what she wants, you can help her with this. Work out a signal that she can give you within the bounds of her shyness when she wants to approach someone. Then it's up to you to encourage her to actually do it. Don't force her to do it, just tell her that she should try it, that she can do it, etc. Shyness is basically a lack of confidence. Your confidence in her can help her work up the courage to approach someone. Once she has done this a couple times, especially if the encounter is successful, she'll start developing her own confidence in her ability to approach guys she's interested in.

People invariably advise "be yourself no matter what". But, if that isn't moving things forward, what might she change?

Only what she wants to change for other reasons. Be careful with this. Actually changing who she is is vastly different from pretending to be someone she is not. If the change would make her become someone she would like better than who she is now, then it's a worthwhile change anyway. And in the process, that change will improve her self-esteem and confidence, both of which are important factors in dating.

Would being more aggressive or assertive and less shy help (even if that's not quite her)?

No. If it's not her, it's an act, and that will only cause more problems than it solves. If she wants to become more assertive and less shy, that's a different story.

Am I wrong to offer advice only when asked?

Not necessarily wrong, but perhaps overly cautious. If there's a bit of advice you particularly want to offer without being asked, you probably should do so. But some caution is necessary. Unsolicited advice can be easily misconstrued as criticism.

How would I know if I've over advised her?

She'll probably tell you.

Thanks to all of you in advance for any advice. She deserves the best that life has, and I'd like to offer her your suggestions to help her get it.

She's lucky to have a friend who cares so much for her. I hope at least some of my post turns out to be helpful. If there's anything else I can help with, feel free to e-mail me, or just keep posting to alt.romance.