Dave's Coincidental Matching Service (sarcastic)
Full time-back guarantee[1]: You WILL find Mr. Right within One Year!

Warning: this post is sarcastic. I thought it was sarcastic enough that any readers would be able to detect the irony pouring off it like water off Niagara Falls. I was wrong. I've been arguing with an a.r regular who failed to see the sarcasm, so I decided to repost with sarcasm tags so that any other sarcasm-impaired readers I may have accidentally offended will see the point my previous post was intended to make. I realize that it is customary to use "smilies" to denote tongue-in-cheek comments, jokes, and sarcasm. I'm just not in a very "smiley" place right now. I apologize for any inadvertent confusion or offence I may have caused.

annotated repost follows:

this post has nothing to do with any actual matching services. please do not ask me for an application or tell me to post it to alt.personals. this is a sarcastic post.

That's right, ladies! A 100% guaranteed matching service! And not just any match, either. I guarantee that within a year, you'll be love! In a serious, committed, wonderful relationship with whoever your "Mr. Right" happens to be!

this is still not a matching service. that's sarcasm. keep reading to find out why. the guarantee described is patently impossible and is not meant to be taken seriously.

I have a perfect 100% matching history. Meaning: EVERY woman I've EVER had more than a passing romantic interest in has been successfully matched with someone Absolutely Perfect for her. you should be starting to see the irony now [1]I'm so confident in this service, I will guarantee that within a year of my developing a romantic interest in you, you will find "Mr. Right" or you'll get the whole year back! I'm so confident in this service that I don't even need to figure out how to give such refunds!

now that the guarantee has been fully described, you should realize that it is patently impossible. it is a joke. this is a sarcastic post.

This is a small operation, only capable of serving one customer at a time. Nevertheless, in seven years of operation, six lucky women have found the man of their dreams! Sign up now, and you could be next!

don't sign up. this is a sarcastic post. I do not represent any form of matching service, dating service, personal ad service, phone sex service, escort service, or adult video store. any real service that serves only six customers in seven years doesn't stay open seven years in the first place.

A brief summary of my matching history follows. Decide for yourself if these are the kind of results you want for yourself:

Allison - married to Scott1
Kate - engaged to Scott2
Amanda - recently engaged to Matt
Jennifer - engaged to Scott3, soon to be married
Kathy - in a steady relationship with Hank for a year and a half now
Heather - will soon be moving in with Hans

yes, this part is absolutely true, but it does not have anything to do with any matching service. this is a comprehensive list of all the women I've ever had more than a passing romantic interest in. Within a year of my developing that interest in them, they found Mr. Right, so I had to let each of them go. the list above shows their current relationship with that same Mr. Right, up to six years later. this is a sarcastic post. you're supposed to recognize the irony of, after seven years of falling in love repeatedly, only to have to let go so that she can be with the man of her dreams, every time, within a year, usually less, describing myself as a matching service. that's irony. this is a sarcastic post.

So, all of you "NiceGals" who can't seem to find Mr. Right, now you can find him the easy way! All you have to do is develop a close friendship with me and allow me to become romantically interested in you. Then before you know it, Mr. Right will show up to sweep you off your feet! And you even get to keep the friendship as a free gift!

I fail to comprehend how any of you read this far without detecting the sarcasm in the original post, but I know that some of you did not detect the sarcasm, so I'll assume you didn't read this far. since every woman I've ever been romantically interested in soon found the man of her dreams, the above paragraph suggests that any of the "NiceGals" who frequent this newsgroup might want to take advantage of this coincidence by allowing me to fall for them. then, within a year, they'll fall in love with Mr. Right, who is obviously not me, since I'll have to let them go so that they can be with Mr. Right. this is irony. not only do I not have any particular desire to go through this again right now, but I doubt that any of the "NiceGals" who frequent this newsgroup would be interested in taking advantage of my persistent bad luck. this is a sarcastic post.

You've got nothing to lose, and everything you've ever wanted to gain, so what are you waiting for? Act now, supplies are going fast!

this is a sarcastic post. the subtext of the above paragraph, scribed in 30 mile-high glowing green letters in the language known as "sarcasm" can be translated into standard American English as follows: "You've got nothing to lose, I've got nothing left. You've got everything you've ever wanted to gain, and you may be everything I've ever wanted, but I have no hope of being with you. If you want to take advantage of my bad luck anyway, do it now, because I'm not sure how much more of this I can take." that's irony. this is a sarcastic post.