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You Might be a Goth...
Check Your Neck: the Goth test
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You've probably heard at least some of the jokes in Jeff Foxworthy's
"Redneck Test." That's the one about "If your front porch collapses
and kills more than eight dogs,... you might be a redneck." If you
haven't, there's a link to Jeff Foxworthy's web site at the bottom of
the page.
Reading through some random posts in goth mailing lists and
alt.gothic, it occurred to me that the "Redneck Test" could happily
be twisted into something appeasingly gothic. This is the result,
subject to change without notice:
- If you look like a corpse and you talk like a corpse and you dance
like a corpse, you might be a Goth.
- If the average sheep on the street (mmm...roadkill) mistakes
you for "The Crow," "Wednesday Addams," or a funeral director for
mimes when you're not even Gothed up, you might be a Goth.
- If you sort your laundry into more than five different kinds
of black fabric, and one of colors & whites, most of which you're
pretty sure aren't even yours, you might be a Goth.
- If you dream bits and pieces of rituals to awaken Great
Cthulhu or really amazing plots they should have used for Hellraiser 3
and Alien 3, then wake not screaming but groaning, because that was
such a neat dream, you might be a Goth.
- If your hair has been jet black, fire engine red, and/or chalk
white so long that even your mother thinks that's your natural color,
and only your undertaker knows for sure, you might be a Goth.
- If you keep your fingernails as long as your girlfriend's,
painted with two coats of L'Oreal Mega-Hard with Kevlar and three
coats of Matte Black, and filed to a nice point, almost as sharp as
your cat's claws, you might be a Goth.
- If the liquor store clerk greets you every time you walk in
with the phrase, "I'm sorry, but we still can't sell Absinthe," you
might be a Goth.
- If you hang around cemeteries and mortuaries to look to
fashion ideas, you might be a goth.
The Official Jeff Foxworthy Web Site
If you visit this site, and you don't think it's hilarious, or you don't understand all the jokes,... You Might be a Redneck."
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